This Journal Belongs to: Ron W
by Mrs.Norris'paw
Summary: We know Ron and Hermione kissed, we know they get married, but what happens in-between? A story of life, loss and love told from the private pages of Ron's journal.
1. The Summer After the War

I do not own these characters.

May 15, 1998

It's been one of those things, you know? You're not really sure, a lot of running around with you head cut off. Everything now is like that- my head's cut off. After the battle, after the fatalities and the second chances at life and the…permanence of death, I don't feel peace.

Fuck. Am I suppose to?

What am I saying? It isn't "one of those things." Nothing is like this (except for this). How could anyone know what watching death, even for the sake of life, feels like unless they lived it?

Or died it.

Fred is gone. George is a shell of a human- _I'm_ a shell of a human. But Harry's alive and… Hermione's alive. For Harry, death would have been understandable, for Hermione- I would never have forgiven her. It would be our longest silent treatment. Shit, she's probably be waiting for me in the afterlife just to roll her eyes and huff in my face! Ha!

But we would make up, as always, because, to be honest, I would cave. I would probably have died to hear her again- nagging me. I would've welcomed death, maybe even invited it, if she was gone.

Jesus, Fred would've shit a brick at reading this- torture me forever. I would willing take it, though. Then again, maybe, I would get really pissed and flustered, try and fight him, he would love that.

Fred, I'll make it easy for you, I'll walk into every trap, my face will turn red with every word, just for you.

June 15, 1998

I can't stay here anymore. The Burrow feels so small now; people are always here in and out constantly.

"Do you _need_ anything Ron?"

"Anytime, Ron, anytime."

"Tears are the heart's spring cleaning, Ron"

LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

For once, I want someone to come over and say "you know what, Ron, go fuck yourself. Just get over it already." Jesus, everyone's pure, kind hearts would explode and I could finally sleep.

But then the nightmares would come back.

I doubt it helps my parents, really. My mother always has a plastered smile on, graciously thanking all of those who wished it didn't happen, who pray for us, who will help with anything. But, really, no one can help.

Only time can.

The people aren't so bad, in truth. It's just, living here puts me in this weird purgatory between kid and adult. I watched people being killed around me, _I _killed, I listened to Hermione being tortured without a way to stop it...

To the burrow, I will always be little- and I wish I was. I wish I was still following around my mother, crying because of some stupid Fred and George prank. Fred, you would hate this, it's bullshit. I bet you were never in this purgatory (are you now?).

I told my mother I'm moving out, moving on. She was devastated; she can't understand, but Dad does. Harry said I could stay with him at Grimmauld Place, be there forever if I wanted.

We'll see.

July 15, 1998

I've been in here for a couple of weeks now. It's too depressing- too gray. But, it's better than the Burrow, better to be quiet- alone. Not to say that I don't hear from or see my mother every day, but that's to be expected. I think Harry is well, he won't show it though. Isn't that something? Harry has to fucking hide his pleasure because everyone is mourning. I'm not saying he's throwing a party at anytime, just he's, you know, happy excited joyous- fuck where's Hermione when you need her- relived, that's it.

Where is Hermione?

With her parents, that's right. She sends and owl every other day but they keep getting shorter. She doesn't have anything to say, none of us do. Still, the silence is nice, it's comforting somehow. She's coming tomorrow to visit, I hope she stays too- and then the gray may fade. We need each other, the three of us.

Aug 1, 1998

Hermione just left. I'm in a trance, I can't move, I can't feel.

Hermione stayed for a long time, almost a month. When she first came, she made everything so much better. The house was suffocating before and she performed the tracheotomy. Things got better for a little while, but not by much. The last night we were together, things changed.

We all ate dinner, Harry left to see Ginny or something, Hermione and I played wizard's chess. I don't know why we did that, she really never liked to play. But, I think we both liked it then, it was back to the troll-fighting days, when real evil didn't seem possible. I laughed for the first time in a while.

Then we sat and talked, not about Voldemort or the battle or Fred, just about nothing. Random shit that doesn't matter.

I was watching her laugh, watching her talk. I missed her, I think. Then, she touched me, my leg first, very innocent and shocks ran down to my toes. She did things like that a few more times- my calf, my shoulder, my chest, my thigh.

"Ron," she said, "you're really something" then she touched my cheek. I don't know what happened next, really, just that I was kissing her, our mouths frantically mauling each other. Her hands were all over me and mine where all over her. Suddenly we were half naked, she was topless- Jesus Christ I saw Hermione topless.

And she is perfect, oh my God, she's perfect.

I sucked her tits, she tasted amazing.

Then, I'm not sure, maybe our pants came next, or she touched me, or I touched her. Either way, soon enough, there I was being straddled by Hermione fucking Granger, we were sweating and moaning and screaming and coming. I've never felt so euphoric.

But I didn't know what to do. Should I say something sweet- I don't know how to say anything sweet. I can't tell her what she wants to hear, I know I couldn't. And all she said was "I'm going to go to bed, Ron, see you tomorrow." The next morning I still hadn't thought of what to say. Do I say "I love you" or not? Would she think I was being a dick, only saying that to make her feel better about fucking me on some old dusty couch in our friend's house a couple of months after the worst experience of our lives?

Fred, I…I…do love her, I think.

She didn't say anything about it; she acted like it didn't happen, so I did the same. Then she left.

And the house grayed again.

A/N: Yes, a bit depressing, but wouldn't you be? After this, everyone will start to live there lives again, but, will Hermione and Ron start something or not?


	2. A New Beginning

**This was abandoned for years, but I decided to come back to it. I think it may switch out of the journal format or, at least, half and half. Here it is, and I don't own any of it. **

August 15, 1998

I just head news of Hogwarts re-opening in September. Anyone of the students who didn't complete their last year can go back, no questions asked. Oh, right, life is starting up again. I never liked school, I was always antsy, sitting and listening and taking notes and doing homework (or waiting until it bothered Hermione enough and having her do my homework). What else can I do, though?

Fred, I know what you'd say- _get the fuck out!_ But what can I do? I can't start a business, I'm not savvy enough. George doesn't mind that I work at the store with him, but I'm no good there, really. I'm no _you._

I keep sending Hermione letters, but since we slept together, I've haven't heard back. She sends them to Harry, no fucking surprise. _He_ didn't fuck her without a word shared between them.

I told Harry about it yesterday. "Really?" he said, "on that nasty couch?" yup, on the couch. "Woah. So are you together now, _finally_?" I doubt it, we never talked about it, I didn't know what to say.

August 20, 1998

You know, right when I was really starting to warm to the idea of going to Hogwarts again, if only so the mind-numbing boredom would go away, I get hit with a whole new set of options. All my brothers have offered me work, the joke shop, the ministry, Romania (for Fuck's sake!). And then, the big one, from Shacklebolt himself, a chance to be an auror- my dream. Here's the importance piece of the letter…

"Though it is rather out of the ordinary to accept such young wizards, especially those who have yet to pass the proper examinations, the ministry is willing and hopeful that you will become a member of our auror team. We, of course, will be providing training as well as companion courses so you can pass all the proper wizarding examinations. Training, in normal circumstances, takes about 2 inclusive years to complete, however, in light of the current times, we will be streamlining new aurors to be in the field while in training."

Shit! This could be it, Harry, Hermione and me. There is no doubt, not even the slightest that I'll do this. Training begins in 3 weeks and I want this so bad. I can feel the ice melting, feel action resetting.

Fred, I bet your jealous now! Look at this shit, Fred! I can't believe it, I can't believe it.

August 21, 1998

OK, maybe I can believe this. Hermione isn't going. She's going to Hogwarts, not really a shock, but still, I'm stunned.

"Ron,

I know you received the same letter I did from Kingsley and I wanted to let you know before Harry could tell you that I am turning it down. Yes, I ran around being brave with you and Harry, but I did it because the world needed it, not because I wanted to. Well, maybe I did, I'm not sure. I'm not really sure of much anymore. I just want peace and normalcy, Ron. I want to go to school and finish out and start at a low level job and work my way up. I want to go back to being little and grow up right. Can you understand? I don't want my life to be surrounded by death and horror and treachery anymore.

I do want to see you again, before you leave for training and I leave for Hogwarts. I want to feel you again, Ron, no matter what it means.

Hermione"

All my organs have turned to slush then left to harden into one mass of pain that is desperately trying to burst through my chest. I won't see Hermione again for who knows how long. But what was that, what she said at the end- I want to feel you again no matter what it means. What the fuck is that?

Fred- does she mean sex? Or did she mean something else? Maybe she meant to write "see" instead of feel. She couldn't be that bold. We danced around each other's feelings, well, always, even now.

Hermione stood in front of Grimmald Place while it completed expanding into sight. A ball of energy swirled in her chest dispersing pulses of electricity throughout her being, she would see him again. After the first time, their first time, she couldn't place her feelings- maybe she couldn't even now. Before, oh, she loved Ron, no doubt, no question.

But now?

She wasn't sure if she wanted to. All the death, all the destruction and pain, she felt ten, twenty years were piled on her that day at Hogwarts. When she kissed Ron it was the last moment of her childhood, she would never get it back. Sleeping with him only solidified that feeling.

A loud _thud_ echoed as the house finally fully appeared before her. She let out a slow, shaky breath, this was it.

"Hey!" Harry greeted. He was all smiles, so ecstatic, so purely happy- his whole life had been filled with pain and suffering and now it was over. They hugged tightly, and for a lovely few moments the pain and heartache, the hesitancy of all her decisions melted away. She would always have Harry, no matter what.

"How are you?" she asked while they swayed together locking in a loving bear hug.

"Fine, great in fact, now that you're here. I have to say, not having you a few feet away takes some getting used to." He gushed as they pulled away.

"Oh, finally able to relax now?" she laughed out, and Harry laughed too. How lovely.

And then, for the corner of her eye, a flame burst through. There was Ron waiting patiently for his turn. There were a few brief, breathless moments where they locked eyes, the flame coursing through her veins, reigniting the anxious energy she carried on her way here.

"Ron." She breathed

"Hi, Hermione" He said while he approached her in three long strides. At some point, though to either Hermione or Ron, was unnoticed, Harry fully let go of Hermione and stepped aside, watching the tension-filled dynamic between his two best friends. Here Ron was, less than a foot away, without an idea of how to approach their first greeting since the night on the couch. Ron extended his hand, at the same time Hermione opened her arms, "Oh" they both said and settled on a light hug.

"You'd think we'd know how to say 'hello' by now" Ron joked his mouth stretching into a bold smirk. They all laughed and their pleasure eased the awkward exchange as the tension began to chip away.

That night, Ron, Hermione and Harry sat around the table, drinking butterbeer and talking about Hogwarts.

"So, you're really going back" Harry stated, "You sure about that?"

"Yes, yes I am" Hermione chuckled, "I want to finish it right, I'm not going to be delinquents like the two of you" she mocked

And, for the first time since she arrived, she really looked fully at Ron, who seemed less than pleased. He held her gaze for only a moment, dropping his lids in shame. At this exchange, Harry exuberantly yawned, "Oh, well I'm off to bed. Tomorrow we were thinking of going to the Burrow if you like, Hermione." She smiled and nodded before Harry turned to leave the room.

And then it was only two.

"Ron…" she began not really knowing where to go, what to say. Hadn't she had a million things? Hadn't she spent the last few nights restlessly reviewing all he needed to know?

"I'm sorry" he burst.

"Sorry?"

"Yes. I'm sorry for, for, everything. For leaving you two during the war, for not going back to Hogwarts, for being an awful penpal" he couldn't stop, everything was flowing out of him with reckless abandon, "I'm sorry for not going with you to find your parents, for never visiting you, for fucking you on a dirty couch and never saying a word about it." With that he shocked himself, audibly gasping at his last statement- that was not the way he intended to bring up the "incident."

Hermione sat without a word, shock covering her face, "Wow" she finally whispered.

"OK, sorry for that too, now" he said laughing slightly and she laughed too.

"Ron," she said covering his hand with hers, "Let's not worry about 'sorry' now" and with that she leaned over the table, her breasts peaking through the neckline of her shirt, and kissed him for a third time.

And it began, almost as if had before. Their kiss deepened, their tongues swirled, their throats let out deep moans. The kiss broke only for both to stand up, face-to-face, pulsating body to pulsating body. His hands wrapped around her, one exploring the sway of her back, while the other clung to her neck. And she, in rapacious joy, pushed her body tightly to his, grabbing his hair. They moved together, somehow, until she was pressed up against the door leading to his room.

Without letting go, without stopping, Ron turned the knob and as the door swung open, they stumbled in breaking the kiss for the second time. They stared at each other, searching for answers in the other's eyes as their chests rhythmically expanded and contracted. Were they really going to do this again?

"Hermione" he started breathlessly, she shook her head as if to say, not now, not now.

"No." he said more boldly this time, "I don't want this to be like last time." She looked hurt and frustrated. Why was he stopping this? Why couldn't they shut off, shut out?

"Ron, don't do this. We don't need to do this!"

"Yes we do!" he was screaming now, letting all the frustration of years of fighting drain out of him. "Hermione," he started again, his voice striving to sound more controlled, more together, "We never talked about the last time, I need this; I need to know. Hermione, please" he begged as she shifted her eyes down, folding her arms tightly against her chest. "Please, I love-"

"No!" she shot "No, don't say it, Ron, don't do this to me. We can't be in love, you're leaving, I'm leaving. And what? Are we supposed to pretend that all that happened didn't? That people didn't die before us, that the wizarding world isn't in shambles? Can't we just have this, you and me, without worry, without love or commitment?"

Ron's heart sunk, she didn't want him, she didn't want any of him, or at least, not all of him.

"OK" he said because if he could only have the tiniest bit of Hermione it was better than nothing.


	3. The Burrow

As usual, I do not own these characters or places.

* * *

August 22, 1998

Hermione and I had sex again. I don't know what to feel about it- I mean I know I liked it, or loved it really, it felt amazing, _she _felt amazing. It happened so suddenly again, just like the last time, she kissed me, then we were full-on snogging, and then we were in my room, near my bed and we started to fight. The one time we really needed to stop acting like the two of us and we just couldn't.

She asked me leave it be, so I did, I mean I really wasn't in a position to fight. I felt like such a tit standing there, raging hard-on straining in my trousers while we yelled at each other. The brain part of me wanted to hash this out, win this out, like I always want to, but the part of me in increasing pain wanted to just shut up. That part won.

Fred- I almost said it, I almost told her "I love you" and she didn't want it. Didn't you tell me that solved all the problems? That girls ate that shit up? But Hermione's not just any girl, and I'm not just saying it.

So we snogged again, rough kisses, like the fight didn't end, just translated into a new medium. We fell on the bed, clothes flying, shoes whipping across the room, body parts tangled in each other. It was all sort of frantic. And when we got down to it, I couldn't help but just slam into her. There was a part of me, one that was fading with each thrust, that was telling me to slow down and try to hold off a little, but I shushed that pretty quickly. I think she enjoyed it, it was kind of hard to tell, she never looked at me, barely gave me any indication. But she moved against me, underneath me- shit that'll never get old, Hermione was _underneath _me. And not by accident, not because I tripped over my shoes and fell on her, because she choose to be there, because she **wanted **to be there. And once it was over, once she frantically twisted and moaned in loud, uncontrollable bursts and I, well, probably embarrassingly finished, she left. I didn't try to ask her to stay, I didn't want to fight, not after that.-

* * *

The Burrow was just the way it should be to Hermione. A jumbled mess of wood piled on top of itself in a way that was so beautiful to her. This was a place of childhood happiness and sanctuary. She was safest here, always.

It was early when they apparated to just outside the hill overlooking the Burrow. The sun was just creeping over the horizon wondering why they were arriving so early. Harry wondered the same thing. What the hell had gone on the night before? Surely he could infer what had happened, he heard the familiar angry murmurs of a fight seeping through the floor boards and then sudden silence. His ears strained to hear noise, though he tried to will himself to stop, not wanting to hear indications of what he figured starting going on. And with the first moan he silenced his room, nope, nope, that was enough he didn't want the play-by-play.

He expected them to roll out of bed, hand-in-hand around noon, lovingly gazing at each other over breakfast. So imagine his surprise when he was shaken awake at 5 by Hermione, fully dressed, wondering if he could wake Ron.

"Ron?" He asked "Didn't you just come from his room?" he wouldn't have normally been so bold about letting on that he knew that she had been in his room, but it was early and he didn't feel like filtering.

"No. Please wake him. I would like to go early."

_You know, whatever is going on between them can wait until a decent hour_ Harry thought.

Mrs. Weasly stood in an orange housecoat patiently waiting while her batter solidified into pancakes as the trio entered. "Oh!" she exclaimed "How lovely! I didn't know you'd be here so soon, but, oh no dear, I'm quite happy about it!" Hermione shook her head in worry, had she really not considered that a woman may not want three people barging into her home hours before they were expected? She was really losing it.

Ron turned to Hermione, "We, uh, yeah, didn't figure we'd be here this early either. But _someone _felt it quite necessary to be here before the sun" She rolled her eyes, what the hell was he doing? _Calm it down, Weasly_ he lectured internally.

Mrs. Weasly chuckled and moved them to the kitchen table excusing herself to get dressed and wake Arthur. Harry snuck away almost immediately to wake up Ginny, in a way, Ron hoped, to be as chaste as possible.

There they were again, sitting side-by-side so close they were only breaths away from touching, all alone in a pressurized room full of questions.

"Why did you leave?" he asked, eyes turned downward studying a knot in the wood.

"I just…" she started, not sure what she was going to say, why did she leave? Harry had to know what was going on, there was no doubt, otherwise he wouldn't have said what he did this morning. So it couldn't be to keep up appearances. It wasn't because she didn't enjoy it, because she did.

"I don't want what sleeping with you could mean" she answered, not really sure what it would mean to share a bed together.

"Well it's a bit late for that don't you think?" she clenched her jaw and turned away, "Come on, Hermione. Stop this. It's nonsense. Why can't we just be happy together?" He reached over, his large hand cradling her face. She leaned into him, the weight of her head pressing gently against his large hand.

"Right now" she answered, her eyes searching his "I'm not sure it's possible. If we try this now, it may destroy our chances to be happy together." Ron watched her, watched her lips part and her brow furrow in despair, she was waiting. His other hand slid up her neck cupping her face and with one last glance he kissed her fully on the mouth. There was nothing frenzied about the kiss, it was, perhaps the first time they truly kissed, the first time, he realized, her could feel every crevice, feel the soft plush and indentation of her warm, slightly wet, perfect lips. It was a pure, deep, full joy he felt from this kiss, this was a different kiss. Their lips moved together, dancing so intimately in a perfect tango. She welcomed his tongue, like an old friend she cherished, meeting with her own. They were so entranced with each other, with this wonderful kiss that they hardly registered the whispered "Oh. My. God." that sounded from the kitchen entrance. They parted slowly staring at one another before the bubble they enclosed themselves in popped violently at a louder "Oh. My. God."

Ginny stood, eyes widening to a point that seemed almost inhuman. A flaming red Ron, pushed back his chair, almost knocking it completely over. "Ginny, don't say anything to Mum!"

"Why not?" she asked her mouth stretching into a knowing, giddy smile. She tried to lock eyes with Hermione to transmit a telepathic giggle, but could never fully get her friend's attention. "She'll die of complete happiness; this may be just what she needs!" She turned to retrieve her mother, presumably to tell a gushing story, but felt Harry's hands wrap around her arms.

"Ginny," he began tilting his head to be level with hers, speaking in a low rumble, "Let them tell if they want, I think they may be trying to figure things out, let's let them decide if and when they want to tell everyone."

"What? Harry, that's ridiculous! Hermione, Ron" she turned again to them. Ron was standing, leaning against the counter, staring at Hermione worryingly. "Ginny," be began without even the slightest shift of gaze, "just keep everyone out of this and let this go" Hermione looked up, finally making contact with her friend's eyes pleading for this secret to be kept.

"OK. Alright. I don't understand, everyone's been waiting for this for years, but if you want to keep this between us, then we will."

When Ron's parents entered everyone was sitting at the table visiting in a way that would not indicate the odd exchange that had just occurred. The day at the Burrow was pleasant, full of laughter and jabs, like the days before the war, before the death. George, Percy, Bill and Fleur all came later for a nighttime meal. The house was boisterous and fun, the way the Burrow was meant to be, and Hermione was so pleased, thrilled to feel almost whole again.

That night, Ron laid in his childhood bed alone in the dark. Harry and Ginny had snuck off at some point to do things Ron would rather not consider. Distorted moon beams streamed through his drapes onto the floor, as if to give him company in his bliss. A small _rap, rap _came from his door, so quiet that was he questioning its existence when the door opened. Hermione shuffled in and without any question or permission, lay next to him, her head resting on his chest.

"I'm so happy, Ron. I didn't think I would be again, not after…" she didn't have to finish, of course he knew, he thought the same thing. He nodded in agreement, wrapping his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. "If it could only always be this way" she wished, looking up at him. The moon cast dark shadows on his face; he looked like a proper man here.

"Maybe it will be, one day" he answered, kissing her nose and cheeks. She giggled quietly, feeling a giddiness of youth and young love. She elevated her chin so their lips met. This kiss so closely resembled their earlier kiss this morning. Sweet and passionate, almost so overwhelmingly loving that Hermione could feel a well of tears bundle in her chest. She could cry later, she probably would, now was not the time.

She deepened this kiss, licking his lips and tongue and mouth. Her hands massaged the back of his head, her fingers twisting his hair as his own hands explored her body. He ran his fingers along her back to the curve of her spine, over her hip and thigh and back up over her stomach, and finally, to cup her breast. He ran a thumb over her nipple as she whimpered into his mouth, prompting her own hands to caress his back, then stomach, then, boldly, for the first time, she rubbed the growing hardness between his legs with a flat palm. Ron was so surprised from such an unexpected touch, that he broke the kiss.

"Is this OK?" she asked never stopping.

"Are you bloody kidding? It's better than 'OK'" he answered, reigniting the kiss. His hand massaged her breast again knowingly, his hips pushed against her hand. And then, yet another surprise, she pushed down his pajama bottoms, exposing him to her, wrapping her hand around him.

"Oh, shit." He moaned "Wait!" he said, Hermione stopped mid-stroke, hand still wrapped around him, "Let's lock the door." He stood up, stepping out of the bottoms and pulling off his shirt and locked the door, why he decided to do so manually never crossed his mind, maybe because he knew trying to do even the simplest spell at a time like this would be rubbish. When he turned back towards the bed, he gasped at the sight before him. Beautiful, sexy Hermione, sprawled across his bed, completely naked.

"Well?" she asked watching him watch her, "are you going to come over here or should I go get you?"

He tried to move, he did, he certainly wanted to, but his feet stayed put. Hermione stood up from the bed, her form even more enticing moving towards him. She pushed her hands up his arms, up his neck and to his face. "Ron," she began, kissing him sweetly, "what are you waiting for?" Those must have been the magic words because he had immense power to not only move but to lift her up wrapping her legs around his waist. As he approached the bed and laid her down, he thought, for only a brief moment, that in some world he could do this every night.

The two other times they had come together like this, they were rough and rushed. It was different here, everything was different here. It was loving here, it was beautiful here. They moved together in such as way that it was impossible to decipher anything outside of themselves. Each movement was so powerfully erotic that both experienced a simultaneous want for release and prolonging.

When it was over, when both had experienced waves of euphoria unrealized to them before, they laid in the aftermath of ecstasy.

"Ron," she whispered, "I love you"


End file.
